When the Leo star was shining the brightest in the sky, I was born in a female led family. When I was a kid, I was trained by my grandma who was a sadist dominant woman. She had raised me with good manners and disciplines. I got punished for my bads. Her secret weapon was the cane but believe me she had many more types of torture. I guess she trained me well because every time I saw the cane, I got chilled n not even dare to make any mistakes. And so I grew up with it as a little sadist myself.
For vanilla, I got artistic genes from my parents which I am always hugely thanksful. You might be wondering why ’cause there are so many artistic people in the world. I never consider myself as special or smart because of it but see myself as an art. My artistic side has helped me a lot seeing both worlds ( vanilla and lifestyle) in different colors apart from black and white. I myself have many fears such as water, darkness, caning, needles, ropes etc but the artistic side had grown me up with a leo heart in a tiny physical body. I made myself explore the world while many people were still sleeping around me because of what was called tradition. If you ask what the biggest goal of my life is, I will say it is to win over myself day by day.
Recently I got to see caning and needles sessions which are in my limits. I enjoyed watching and learning from people. I realized they were not that scary as I thought. It is like a photograph. If you take it in different angles, the image will be different. Also it depends on people who see it, the picture can be different too. So I learnt to see my fears in another way as pieces of art which I love to get beyond and fill them with joys and beauty. Then the fears are not that fearful. I used to be so scared of water for many many years due to the accident of mostly being drawn in my childhood. I did set it as one of my lifetime goals. I took many swimming courses but could never swim. Every time I was in water, it reminded me of the bad memory. And in one nice sky day, my Leo side couraged me to overcome it. I went to a swimming pool, put myself in water n relaxed. I didnt try to swim but to feel the water n learnt to love and play with it. I had been done that for 2 weeks. The time came. When I most felt comfortable with the water, I laid myself in it and started moving my arms and legs. Right at the moment, my fear of water became love n passion. It was very beautiful feeling that I could never forget in my life. I now can swim. It happened the same to the sounding which was an art to make, not to be afraid of.
I love to wake up everyday seeing myself to be improved and more completed. It is great that once you can get over one fear, the others seem to be easier and more enjoyable. Life is a beautiful piece of art to fulfill colorfully and fears are what are burying you with black and white. If you are not ready to make your own colors yet, try to mix black and white first, don’t just sit and say ‘ I have fears’ because time is not waiting for anyone.
Went to a massage place where all massage people were blinded. It was my first time. After relaxing my feet in herbal water, the first impression was a group of happy people who have never got to see the life with their eyes. I was pretty amazed they could be that positive. One of the woman took me to a small single room. I removed my clothes. It was also the first time that I was naked in front of a stranger in both literal and deep meanings. I didn’t talk during the session. The only way she could connect with me is through touching. She was quite sensitive enough to feel vulnerable parts of my body which even my blood parents never noticed. Then she worked more on them for a treatment. When she massage my head, she was imagining how I looked with her touching. Right at the moment it touched my heart. She was definitely attractive beyond her look. I really felt that she enjoyed taking care of me and making me feel better. She didn’t make me feel sorry for her but admire her. Life was suddenly so beautiful. After the massage, my body felt much lighter and more relaxing. Thanks Goddess for bringing me there. I will come back for sure to support them as I was meant to.
I found myself shopping again which is usually my choice while being moody. My mind was full of thoughts. I was walking physically with my soul floating above.Who am I? Where am I from? Why am I on Earth? How many people do talk to their hearts? They usually let their rational mind hurt themselves and bother others for their egoistic purposes. They don’t have a single right to do so. And lack of responsibilities they go on ahead living in their shadows. They would never find a ‘home’ where they truly feel the happiness. I miss my home sometimes where I could live with no boundary, no jealousy and no burdens. If there were such human form aliens, I would be one.
My performance came. The moment I stepped on the stage, all my thoughts were immediately gone. Only my songs and I were there. I raised my voice. Music connects people. I was sending my heart to audiences. Felt a few drops of tears going down to my cheeks. There was a fight between my heart and my mind. Hearty wanted to cry but mindy wanted to sing. “All I want to do is find a way back into love”. I knew from my heart I would not be able to both cry and keep up with my voice. By instinct my left hand was cuddling my shoulder and my mouth was speaking the song’s lyrics instead of singing them. I let myself tearful. When it felt enough, I came back to my singing without missing any melodies. It was the most beautiful cooperation of the heart and mind. They made a great team. I wish I could hide in a corner and cry like a baby but life is still going on.